The bugs crawling

The wind blowing

How can I decide which to prefer on a day as beautiful as this…?

 

 

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Outdoors

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why the controversy?

A few days ago while watching the news, I saw a picture of a woman breastfeeding. Not only was she feeding her child (in the most natural way possible) she was also wearing a fireman uniform. Confused yet? The uniform belonges to her husband but it was art nonetheless. The woman was not exposed and her face was towards her infant….

Now I can image why some, rather a few people my have a negative connotation about this but to consider suspending the new father without pay! What are they really trying to say here? That it is wrong to commit to a new life while supporting and honoring one that could be taken any moment.

I have an opinion about this photo. What is yours? Please share, all comments welcome.

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Going Down

The other night, I made the decision that my life was not important. In spite of those I would hurt, I also believed it would benefit them.

A handful of blue pills. Waterless. A concerned friend. My witness. Is this how I leave this place I call home?

Ready to find out I test my limit. Opposing opposition….defying integrity. This vessel will cease to exist and my soul will be free. Is this what people feel when life abuses them? I was in those shoes for the first time and it’s scary.

The effect is still not real. I should not be writing you today. But to make an attempt to take your own life makes you a different person. And I feel all those before me did not want to go (leave their loved ones) but they decided it was too hard to live. It may be a selfish act to some. But I understand now that a life lived that you feel is not your own, why stay? Change is not for everyone. And there are many situations that cause people to do it. Suicide however is not just a cry for help, it’s avoiding change. Something has become so unbearable that you decide to end your existence. The result in what these victims go through changes who they are because as a person they feel defeated. Chaos is inevitable but in the midst of it, you shape your identity. And when you feel the shape (foundation) that made you who are is altered; and not by your own hand. What power do you have?

As a victim of this, I understand. And because my attempt did not work I must face the change that follows. I must accept that I am a different person and the old me…died that night.

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Less Than Confused

In my mind it’s easy, the relationship between us. In reality, its almost perfect. But no ear can hear without a listener and no eye can see without head. Whether it’s screwed on straight or not is the question. It takes two. In any relationship, sacrifice is not an option. You must do things that you would want in return from a friend, spouse or loved one. Subtlety can be deadly. Assurity is not it’s middle name. It can mislead an audience and stir up controversy. Anything but being straight forward. So its not confusing, you’re just being mislead. And I think it’s time to find yourself.

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Yesterday’s Invigoration

Entertainment…a matter of the mind. Enjoyment, boredom…all interpertations of what we make of it. Invigoration on the other hand…life!

In your opinion,  I’m sure happiness is a priority. It is also mine. But what is pleasure without a smige of guilt? Now I don’t mean family time, amusment parks and healthy relationships, rather fleshy, impure and selfish happiness. The kind you keep a secret but reveal to your closest friends. The secret that you think about all day and consistly daydream about it. The dream that leaves you wanting to know more…captivating your mind.

That kind of happiness is rare. I think it comes a few times in a life time but short lived. This is where my problems arrive. The moment of inconsistentcy. Something I’m all too use to. Then again, what guilt is worth having? Even the most sincere intentions can contribute to the pleasure of embellishing in pain. At least that is what I consider guilt. You don’t feel it for a long time but it hurts when you do.

My pain however is the pleasure I’ve felt in a long time, so I’m not finished just yet. I’ll dabble a little more and my ultimate decision will come later. My levels are high and my mind amplified. Right now I will endulge in this course of uncertainty and I will enjoy every moment of it!

Posted in growth, Idea

Inkling

You ever get the feeling….the one that is so adamant yet you have no idea what it is?  I am the queen of such thoughts! In theory, I am wise. But what does it mean if my most common, indecisive moments overwhelm me? And by overwhelm I mean you don’t know what the hell to do!

That feeling!

Have you ever made a decision that wasn’t concrete but was too late to take back? Though these decisions may have come with regret, they have also taught lessons.

And lessons are great but I want to be the smart girl! The one who can persuade an audience to dance and crowd to be silent. More than ideal. Intuition it from your gut and instinct is primal, my fault lies in between the two. I am intertwining reality with the perceptive of my desire. If time wasn’t so bias I could make mistakes and relive them over and over again. But without immortally I am stuck with my moral and vain values. Some they may not benefit me but ones I must still own up to.

The temptation of right, wrong, the beautiful and the ugly…..but our choice. In the eye of the beholder they say.

In other words:

In the will of the participant.

In the hands of the incompetent.  

In the power of the unknowing. 

All these are my idea of decision making.

1. It is a power we have…..even when we don’t want it.

2. Most often with don’t know what to do

3. And we are participants not at our own will. It is up to you to determine the amount of power in the decisions you make in your life.

I would often shove most responsibilities I could on someone else but my lesson could not be avoided. Growth is mandatory in a world that shows no favoritism.

Just my inkling

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The Words

The words “I Love You” ever come out at the wrong time, from you or the other person? Well in my case, tonight was that night. Though I have been feeling this way for some time, I didn’t want to be the first to say. Though scared, I experimented. What would his reaction be? In the midst of intimacy, I whisper the words. Nervous, alleviated and also pleased I desire his reaction. Maybe my timing was wrong…what do you think?  Feeling vunerable yet safe. What of those words…..