Going Down

The other night, I made the decision that my life was not important. In spite of those I would hurt, I also believed it would benefit them.

A handful of blue pills. Waterless. A concerned friend. My witness. Is this how I leave this place I call home?

Ready to find out I test my limit. Opposing opposition….defying integrity. This vessel will cease to exist and my soul will be free. Is this what people feel when life abuses them? I was in those shoes for the first time and it’s scary.

The effect is still not real. I should not be writing you today. But to make an attempt to take your own life makes you a different person. And I feel all those before me did not want to go (leave their loved ones) but they decided it was too hard to live. It may be a selfish act to some. But I understand now that a life lived that you feel is not your own, why stay? Change is not for everyone. And there are many situations that cause people to do it. Suicide however is not just a cry for help, it’s avoiding change. Something has become so unbearable that you decide to end your existence. The result in what these victims go through changes who they are because as a person they feel defeated. Chaos is inevitable but in the midst of it, you shape your identity. And when you feel the shape (foundation) that made you who are is altered; and not by your own hand. What power do you have?

As a victim of this, I understand. And because my attempt did not work I must face the change that follows. I must accept that I am a different person and the old me…died that night.